I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

What the country needs are dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Common sense ain't common.

America has the best politicians money can buy.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

A man only learns by two things; one is reading and the other is association with smarter people.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

A vision, without a plan, is just a hallucination.

The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Ignorance lies not in the things you don't know, but in the things you know that ain't so.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.