Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

A man only learns by two things; one is reading and the other is association with smarter people.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

A vision, without a plan, is just a hallucination.

The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.

Ignorance lies not in the things you don't know, but in the things you know that ain't so.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.

I know worrying works because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.