It gets harder the more you know. Because the more you find out the uglier everything seems.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

You know, people are basically shitty. It's when they prove it over and over again that it gets obnoxious.

It's better to have something to remember than anything to regret.

The last election just laid the foundation of the next 500 years of the Dark Ages.

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.

The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.

Republicans stand for raw, unbridled evil and greed and ignorance smothered in balloons and ribbons.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Modern Americans behave as if intelligence were some sort of hideous deformity.

Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not.

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

Reality is what it is, not what you want it to be.

Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons and 85% morons.

Music is the only religion that delivers goods.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.