A sadder but wiser man is a thousand times more agreeable to meet than the feller that never makes a mistake.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Is a hippopotamus or just a really cool Optimus?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Litigation: A form of hell whereby money is transferred from the pockets of the proletariat to that of lawyers.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

There isn't much to be seen in a little town, but what you hear makes up for it.

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them

If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing business, this would be some democracy.

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

Some people are so sensitive that they feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooks them.

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son