I improve in misquotation.

Alcoholics are mostly disappointed men.

I hate looking backward, but every once in a while it sneaks up on you.

You see, if you make believe hard enough that something is true, then it is true for you.

When two partners always agree, one of them aint necessary.

The first duty of life is to live.

Take the feeling of hunger out of your gut, and you're no longer a champion

As long as you are curious, you defeat age.

Everyone tells me I've had such an interesting life, but sometimes I think it's been nothing but stomach disturbances and self-concern.

When I'm married I want to be single, and when I'm single I want to be married.

I can't bear to hear a woman talk baby talk.

The only really good thing about acting in movies is that there's no heavy lifting.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

I acted like Cary Grant for so long that I became Cary Grant

If you want to be an actor, my advice is to learn your lines and don't bump into the other actors.

I have no plans to write an autobiography, I will leave that to others. I'm sure they will turn me into a homosexual or a Nazi spy or something else.

I'm a fatheaded guy, full of pain. It tore me up not having you.

It's better to buy one good pair of shoes than four cheap ones.

Dying's tough - but not as tough as comedy.