I touched an Oscar once. Friend of mine has one, for writing. As soon as I touched it, he said, Now you'll never win one.

People want other people to know that they share our sensibility even if they're not exactly sure what that sensibility is.

I didn't really feel 100 percent comfortable until we started working on the 2004 election.

I get all of my comedy from CNN.

The head writer loves that my character is a boor.

I don't feel rivalry. I'm the least competitive person you'll meet ever, to a fault.

I actually got the part. And I thought, Well, I'll do it for a while. I'll just quit if it's stupid.

I've got like a week and a half left, all bets are off.

Ethanol is, in its pure form, just as much of a sham as oil.

I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials.

I don't know how this company got the name National Shakespeare Company, because it was literally like retards employing retards.

It looks like garbage, my ass. But trust me, you're lucky it's not full-frontal.

I just want to do cool stuff.

I have to stay true to myself.

Apparently it's cool to watch The Daily Show.

I want to manufacture a feud.

For most of my life, I was a worrier and an over-thinker. I had pretty bad social anxiety.

Anything that you can do a tiny bit of research about, I'll turn it into an obsession.

I always fancied myself more of an actor than a comedian before I realized that only assholes make that kind of distinction.