I have to stay true to myself.

I don't feel rivalry. I'm the least competitive person you'll meet ever, to a fault.

I actually got the part. And I thought, Well, I'll do it for a while. I'll just quit if it's stupid.

I've got like a week and a half left, all bets are off.

Ethanol is, in its pure form, just as much of a sham as oil.

I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials.

I touched an Oscar once. Friend of mine has one, for writing. As soon as I touched it, he said, Now you'll never win one.

I don't know how this company got the name National Shakespeare Company, because it was literally like retards employing retards.

It looks like garbage, my ass. But trust me, you're lucky it's not full-frontal.

I just want to do cool stuff.

Apparently it's cool to watch The Daily Show.

I want to manufacture a feud.

For most of my life, I was a worrier and an over-thinker. I had pretty bad social anxiety.

Anything that you can do a tiny bit of research about, I'll turn it into an obsession.

I always fancied myself more of an actor than a comedian before I realized that only assholes make that kind of distinction.

Anything would deserve a sequel if the right elements are there.

If anything, there's more at stake when you're older, and more responsibility and more legitimate things to worry about.

You're encouraged to pitch your own story. That way, you'll have more control over what you do.

I learned more about elections on election night 2000 than I ever did during my 16 years of schooling.