You're encouraged to pitch your own story. That way, you'll have more control over what you do.

I just want to do cool stuff.

I have to stay true to myself.

Apparently it's cool to watch The Daily Show.

I want to manufacture a feud.

For most of my life, I was a worrier and an over-thinker. I had pretty bad social anxiety.

Anything that you can do a tiny bit of research about, I'll turn it into an obsession.

I always fancied myself more of an actor than a comedian before I realized that only assholes make that kind of distinction.

Anything would deserve a sequel if the right elements are there.

If anything, there's more at stake when you're older, and more responsibility and more legitimate things to worry about.

I learned more about elections on election night 2000 than I ever did during my 16 years of schooling.

Once I found out how much an Off-Off-Broadway actor makes, I was whoring myself out the next day.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Please don't refer to me as "channeling Mark Twain." I'm an actor. Not a channeler. That word is an iPhone shortcut. Acting is more eloquent than that.

Mark Twain cannot be defined.

I don't play golf. Mark Twain is golf to me.

I don't have a director. The audience directs me.

I walked the streets of New York for two years begging for a job, and I couldn't get one.

I've had a very full career in the theatre, on stage, in films and on television.