Don't think about your errors or failures; otherwise, you'll never do a thing.

The automatic things you do are basically those things that keep you from doing the better things you need to do.

The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

I don't have to take this abuse from you I have hundreds of people waiting in line to abuse me!

Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something unusual.

You can handle just about anything that comes at you out on the road with a believable grin, common sense and whiskey.

Life is a game, and it's much more fun if you play it as your own game, so stay light and loose and relaxed.

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses

Grab this day by the neck and kiss it.

Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.

We're Americans! Do you know what that means? It means our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world.

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.

Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.

Be available for life to happen.

People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.