The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.

If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...

You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell, a dead fish can do that.

Happiness is a moving target.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

I believe that Willy Nelson is the hillbilly Dalai Lama.

There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.