You have to think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, but you have to know that you're not.

I never know how much of what I say is true.

Sometimes you have to make your own opportunities, and that's why I'm on TV. I wasn't going to sit around anymore, waiting for the damn phone to ring. I had to create my own place - I've always done that.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

Humor disarms people. They don't feel threatened.

I wouldn't say I invented tacky, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity.

Total contentment is only for cows.

The only thing Madonna will ever do like a virgin is give birth in a stable.

Self-esteem is something you have to earn!

I made a pact with myself a long time ago: Never watch anything stupider than you. It's helped me a lot.

A lot of people say that my life is wasted on me because I could be a bigger asshole than I am, but I've chosen not to be.

Sometimes my brain goes on CD shuffle. You know, you put a bunch of CD's on and hit play and random things come out.

I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes.

I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.

I feel like a million tonight - but one at a time.

My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.

Men's brains are smaller than those of women so they can fit into their penises.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

If you pick up a ukulele, it will make you unbelievably happy.