I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.

I wouldn't say I invented tacky, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity.

Total contentment is only for cows.

The only thing Madonna will ever do like a virgin is give birth in a stable.

Self-esteem is something you have to earn!

I made a pact with myself a long time ago: Never watch anything stupider than you. It's helped me a lot.

You have to think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, but you have to know that you're not.

A lot of people say that my life is wasted on me because I could be a bigger asshole than I am, but I've chosen not to be.

Sometimes my brain goes on CD shuffle. You know, you put a bunch of CD's on and hit play and random things come out.

I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes.

I feel like a million tonight - but one at a time.

My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.

Men's brains are smaller than those of women so they can fit into their penises.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

If you pick up a ukulele, it will make you unbelievably happy.

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.

Enough about me. What do you think about me?

I'm the last of the truly tacky women. I do trash with flash and sleaze with ease.

Cherish forever what makes you unique, 'cause you're really a yawn if it goes.