If you pick up a ukulele, it will make you unbelievably happy.

You have to think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, but you have to know that you're not.

A lot of people say that my life is wasted on me because I could be a bigger asshole than I am, but I've chosen not to be.

Sometimes my brain goes on CD shuffle. You know, you put a bunch of CD's on and hit play and random things come out.

I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes.

I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.

I feel like a million tonight - but one at a time.

My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.

Men's brains are smaller than those of women so they can fit into their penises.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.

Enough about me. What do you think about me?

I'm the last of the truly tacky women. I do trash with flash and sleaze with ease.

Cherish forever what makes you unique, 'cause you're really a yawn if it goes.

People are not the best because they work hard. They work hard because they are the best.

If only I'd known my differentness would be an asset, then my earlier life would have been much more manageable.

I firmly believe that with the right footwear one can rule the world.

If you can accept your differentness and learn to love it and encourage it, then you can be someone wonderful.

I have my standards. They're low, but I have them.