My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

I won't swim in a pool by myself, because I think that somehow a little magic door is going to open up and let a shark out.

The whole growing-up process seems to have eluded me

I was a big sci-fi fantasy geek when I was younger... secretly, in my room.

I mean, I don't like anyone who likes themselves too much.

I like the way my own feet smell. I love to smell my sneakers when I take them off.

I like to do things sort of intuitively, I think.

Remember who you are. It's really okay to be who you are.

I think I am naturally attracted to things that are a little bit out of this world.

Any obsession is dangerous.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.