Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.