I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Bad language is a stage all children go through, and it dies with time when they learn they’re not attracting attention with it.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.