You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.