I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts.

Sex is pretty funny, let's face it. And the more seriously we take ourselves, the funnier sex gets, I think.