A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts.

Sex is pretty funny, let's face it. And the more seriously we take ourselves, the funnier sex gets, I think.

One thing they don't tell you about growing old - you don't feel old, you just feel like yourself. And it's true. I don't feel eighty-nine years old. I simply am eighty-nine years old.

I've enjoyed the opposite sex a lot. Always have. Always will.

Wilderness is harder and harder to find these days on this beautiful planet, and we're abusing our planet to the point of almost no return.

Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren't going to get rid of me that way.

I don't know where I learned elephants like their tongues slapped. Whatever turns you on.

I go out to the kitchen to feed the dog, but that's about as much cooking as I do.

Oh, I don't need sleep. I just went to my hotel room and had a cold hot dog and a vodka on the rocks.