I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.

I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire them.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.