An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Sarcastic Quotes

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.

We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.

I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.