My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

New Year's Resolution: Casual promises that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill.

An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.