I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

New Year's Resolution: Casual promises that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill.

An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.

Sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble.

I know family comes first, but shouldn't that mean after breakfast?

Keep rolling your eyes, you might just find a brain back there