I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

The first prize was a week in Philadelphia. The second prize was two weeks.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some people are born losers, others acquire the knack gradually.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.