I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else...I never lied better.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

At my age flowers scare me.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.