Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

At my age flowers scare me.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

Belief like any other moving body follows the path of least resistance.