I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

At my age flowers scare me.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

Belief like any other moving body follows the path of least resistance.

Our minds want clothes as much as our bodies.

To give pain is the tyranny; to make happy, the true empire of beauty.

Logic is like the sword - those who appeal to it shall perish by it.