I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.