I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

In films, murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man.

Never turn your back on a friend.