You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

In films, murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man.

Never turn your back on a friend.

Blondes make the best victims. They're like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

One must never set up a murder. They must happen unexpectedly, as in life.