Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.

To be alive at all is to have scars.

Only mediocrity escapes criticism.

Books are the best friends you can have; they inform you, and entertain you, and they don't talk back.

The free exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world.

When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you've got two new people.

If you want to destroy a nation, give it too much - make it greedy, miserable and sick.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.