Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you've got two new people.

If you want to destroy a nation, give it too much - make it greedy, miserable and sick.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

I can still chase women, only downhill