Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

I can still chase women, only downhill

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.