I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

Real art has the capacity to make us nervous.

The painter constructs, the photographer discloses.

I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list.

There is an aggression implicit in every use of the camera.

Being in love means being willing to ruin yourself for the other person.

Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.