I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Mitch Hedberg

We prefer a meaningless collective guilt to a meaningful individual responsibility

We prefer a meaningless collective guilt to a meaningful individual responsibility

In the past, men created witches: now they create mental patients.

In the past, men created witches: now they create mental patients.

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.

Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence.

Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence.

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Why are there no

Why are there no "during" pictures?

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.