I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.

Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence.

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.