The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.