I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

You can settle for reality, or you can go off, like a fool, and dream another dream.

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.

Paranoia is knowing all the facts.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.