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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.