If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

Kinky Friedman

May the God of your choice bless you.

May the God of your choice bless you.

A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Always respect your superiors, if you have any.

Always respect your superiors, if you have any.

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

True love usually results in a hostage situation.

True love usually results in a hostage situation.

I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...

The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.

The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.