If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

May the God of your choice bless you.

A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Always respect your superiors, if you have any.

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

True love usually results in a hostage situation.

I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...

The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.