Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less about the world than if you drank gin out of a bottle

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

The relationship between truth and a newspaper is like the relationship between the color green and the number seven. Occasionally you will see the number seven written in green, but you learn not to expect this.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

... life itself is brief, and that is what charges the day with such ridiculous beauty.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn't love

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.