Garrison Keillor Quotes

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less about the world than if you drank gin out of a bottle

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

The relationship between truth and a newspaper is like the relationship between the color green and the number seven. Occasionally you will see the number seven written in green, but you learn not to expect this.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

... life itself is brief, and that is what charges the day with such ridiculous beauty.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn't love

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

My ability to keep cool in a crisis is based entirely on not knowing all the facts.

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.

English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.

We'd all be alot happier if we'd stop assuming we're supposed to be happy.

A child can educate just about anybody.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.

Your life is a work of art, and in the end, the underlying theme of great art is bravery and hope and love.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.