Latest Mark Twain Quotes

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages.

Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs.

The secret of making progress is to get started.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.

If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.

I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

College is a place where a professor's lecture notes go straight to the students' lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

Education is what you must acquire without any interference from your schooling.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Some people give their problems swimming lessons instead of drowning them.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

There is no security in life, only opportunity.

Some of the worst things in my life never even happened.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started

Worrying is paying interest on a debt you might not even owe.

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

Additional problems are the offspring of poor solutions.

Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72.

Data is like garbage. You'd better know what you are going to do with it before you collect it.

Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.

An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.

The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

They did not know it was impossible so they did it

A little lie can travel half way 'round the world while Truth is still lacing up her boots.

Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?

A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success.

The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

To be satisfied with what one has; that is wealth.

Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.

Great things can happen when you don't care who gets the credit.

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You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs. - Mark Twain  download
In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. - Mark Twain  download
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. - Mark Twain  download
The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for. - Mark Twain  download
The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible. - Mark Twain  download
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? - Mark Twain  download
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. - Mark Twain  download
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain  download
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain  download
I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets. - Mark Twain  download
We have the best government that money can buy. - Mark Twain  download
Don't dream your life, but live your dream - Mark Twain  download
A little lie can travel half way 'round the world while Truth is still lacing up her boots. - Mark Twain  download
There is no security in life, only opportunity. - Mark Twain  download
Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. - Mark Twain  download
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out. - Mark Twain  download
If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it. - Mark Twain  download
College is a place where a professor's lecture notes go straight to the students' lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either. - Mark Twain  download
Some of the worst things in my life never even happened. - Mark Twain  download
If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. - Mark Twain  download

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