Mark Twain Quotes, Status, and Thoughts

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages.

Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs.

The secret of making progress is to get started.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.

If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.

I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

College is a place where a professor's lecture notes go straight to the students' lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

Education is what you must acquire without any interference from your schooling.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Some people give their problems swimming lessons instead of drowning them.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

There is no security in life, only opportunity.

Some of the worst things in my life never even happened.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started

Worrying is paying interest on a debt you might not even owe.

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

Additional problems are the offspring of poor solutions.

Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72.

Data is like garbage. You'd better know what you are going to do with it before you collect it.

Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.

An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.

The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

They did not know it was impossible so they did it

A little lie can travel half way 'round the world while Truth is still lacing up her boots.

Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?

A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success.

The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

To be satisfied with what one has; that is wealth.

Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.

Great things can happen when you don't care who gets the credit.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Don't dream your life, but live your dream

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Those who do not read have no advantage over those who cannot read.

A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't.

Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.

If you have no will to change it, you have no right to criticize it.

Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.

Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go.

Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session.

If you want to change the future, you must change what you're doing in the present.

It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good Presbyterian, and I did not long remain one.

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.

Congress: America's only true criminal class.

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.

How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work again!

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.

I was educated once - it took me years to get over it.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot