Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.