I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.