I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

What have future generations ever done for us?

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.