As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Stop buying things you don’t need to impress people you don’t even like.

We get married to have an ally against our family.

If you ran as much as your mouth did you'd be in good shape

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.

I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire them.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.