Sarcastic Quotes and Messages

My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.

The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.

Please cancel my subscription to your resurrection.

People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.

If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

I went to the general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Please be patient, I am ruining things as fast as I can.

Keep rolling your eyes, you might just find a brain back there

I know family comes first, but shouldn't that mean after breakfast?

Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble.

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said.

An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.

New Year's Resolution: Casual promises that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire them.

Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

If you ran as much as your mouth did you'd be in good shape

We get married to have an ally against our family.