You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

Sarcastic Quotes

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire them.

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire them.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.